Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
