my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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