did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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