First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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