I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
