Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
