He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
