Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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