i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
