It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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