I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
