I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
