Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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