Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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