i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
