meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
