you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
