My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize