Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
