I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I want her autograph on my taint
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
