I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
