so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
