oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
