So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You made out with two different species that night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
