I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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