He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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