He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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