This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
