??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
