Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize