I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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