Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
