worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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