I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
