An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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