I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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