Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
