man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
