you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
