my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she told me i tasted like america
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
