Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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