Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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