I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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