Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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