I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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