just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
