So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
