I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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