positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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