I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
