and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
