I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
