i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
