i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
